Back again: Round 2, or 10...

So it's been quite awhile since I posted. I went through some personal, health-related stuff that I'll get to in a moment. But the main reason is suffering another heavy round of self-doubt mixed with a goodly dash of hopelessness. 

I've always been paralyzed by imposter syndrome and SEVERE fear of failure. Ever since I was a small child. Back then, everyone just called it shyness (or stage fright). But it is so much more than that. Now, I know deep in my heart and head, that it's a little irrational to have these self-destructive thoughts and fears of being judged or thought not good enough. I'm a grown-a** woman for God's sake! So why does my brain keep hold of these fears? And I know I'm not the only one. 

I just listened to Kelly Robert's latest podcast on quitting being a quitter. This is exactly what I do to myself. Get all gung-ho on something, only to give up when I have a really stressful week. I convince myself I'm never going to get there, I'll never be good enough etc. So rounds and rounds later, I'm still at the same place physically and emotionally. So now I'm attempting to find new ways of pursuing my goals. And the most important, and hardest, is asking for help. Not feeling ashamed that I can't do it all. 

As far as my health goes, I basically received confirmation that there isn't anything super wrong. I don't have thyroid issues at this time, but I have some probable food sensitivities based on blood work. So I'm supposed to give up quite a lot for 6 months+. Like wheat, gluten, eggs, dairy (which I kind of already knew based on a lifetime of symptoms), most beans, pineapple, beef only once a week, and avocado (I might die without these!) 

And it is really hard. Especially because it's easy to make whatever-free versions of most comfort food. Gluten-free, dairy-free pasta salad: Check! Cookie dough: Check! So by itself it's not addressing my problems. This is going to be a long, emotionally painful process. If I figure anything out, ill let you know. 

If anyone has any good advice, or great books or websites, please share. 


Come On & Get Healthy!

Well, a lot has happened since last post. So let's dive right in.

I've got good news, and bad news. Ok, the bad news isn't earth-shattering (thus far), but it sucks for me.  I'm not running my first marathon in NYC this fall. I won't be doing any running or steady state cardio for longer than 45 minutes for a number of months. I'll get into specifics at a later time.

The good news is that I'm taking charge of my health. I started going to an M.D. who practices Functional & Integrative Medicine. My aunt and a number of her friends have gone to this clinic, and only had good things to say. So I took a couple days off from work and drove 2 1/2 hours to Boise. 

My first appointment was over an hour of just talking. About my life, health past and present, and the 20 page questionnaire and 7 day diet journal I had to fill out. Have any of you ever spent that much time in a first doctor visit? It was so refreshing to have a medical professional actually listen my concerns and give advice based on my forms. She actually read them. It was also very emotional. I came face to face with truths I already knew, admitted to myself, but never did anything with. 

My second appointment was a week later, and it was the physical exam, lovely (read sarcasm here) "women's" exam, and I had a crap-ton of blood drawn. I was also lucky enough to have to take a 3-day stool sample kit home and mail off. That was just so much fun. If this is TMI for you, you should have stopped reading a long time ago. I won't get the results back for a month, which is when my next appointment is scheduled. But here's what I know already. I'm very deficient in Vitamin D and my ferritin is pretty low. I was able to give my doctor this info because I had some tests done last fall through Inside Tracker. I didn't have insurance and wanted a good, general picture of some common values. (If you want more information on Inside Tracker, go here)

I'm having a full blood panel done, including a complete thyroid panel and hormone levels. Low thyroid and anemia are in my family history. I will most likely have to completely change my diet and eliminate some foods. I also had to give up caffeine. I thought that would be the hardest thing ever, since I drink more coffee than should be humanly possible. But that wasn't so bad. Which makes me realize that other things are the real problem. I am a bad carb addict. Not necessarily sweets, but simple carbs have been been my weakness for a long time. So it's going to be an interesting and difficult ride. 

Everyone says I should have just done New York anyway. But for once, I'm playing it smart and doing the right thing for my health. I'm tired of being tired. I'm hoping I can be running again by next year, this time able to actually make progress. So, for now, there will be less running in the Run, Ride, Renovate universe. We'll see what comes with the rest of my results.

The Real Renovation

Hey there,

I've been thinking about the 'Renovate' portion of my blog, and had a little brain spasm (sounds less intense than 'epiphany') the other day. I'm not just thinking home improvement and DIY renovation. I'm also renovating myself.

What do I mean by that? I DON'T mean I'm broken or need "fixing". When I think about renovating my late 1920's home, it's about how to take what is already there and work with it. Not rip it down and start new. There are things I absolutely love about my home, like the original doorknobs that always remind me of Alice in Wonderland. But many things need updated to be safe and fit with a little more modern lifestyle than my great-grandparents were obviously living when they built this place.

My house is good enough, but it can be better. Fix some important aspects before they become unfixable (or at least too expensive to fix easily) or cause hazards to life and limb. In that way, I need to work on myself, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. Chip away bit by bit at the little things. Historically, I've gone too all-out with new ideas without thinking of the long game. And then given up when it became hard.  

Now, I'm going to try and focus on a few small issues at a time. Try very hard not to get down on myself and quit when it seems like my efforts are not making a noticeable difference. Let's see how we turn out, shall we?

Until next time,