So it's been quite awhile since I posted. I went through some personal, health-related stuff that I'll get to in a moment. But the main reason is suffering another heavy round of self-doubt mixed with a goodly dash of hopelessness.
I've always been paralyzed by imposter syndrome and SEVERE fear of failure. Ever since I was a small child. Back then, everyone just called it shyness (or stage fright). But it is so much more than that. Now, I know deep in my heart and head, that it's a little irrational to have these self-destructive thoughts and fears of being judged or thought not good enough. I'm a grown-a** woman for God's sake! So why does my brain keep hold of these fears? And I know I'm not the only one.
I just listened to Kelly Robert's latest podcast on quitting being a quitter. This is exactly what I do to myself. Get all gung-ho on something, only to give up when I have a really stressful week. I convince myself I'm never going to get there, I'll never be good enough etc. So rounds and rounds later, I'm still at the same place physically and emotionally. So now I'm attempting to find new ways of pursuing my goals. And the most important, and hardest, is asking for help. Not feeling ashamed that I can't do it all.
As far as my health goes, I basically received confirmation that there isn't anything super wrong. I don't have thyroid issues at this time, but I have some probable food sensitivities based on blood work. So I'm supposed to give up quite a lot for 6 months+. Like wheat, gluten, eggs, dairy (which I kind of already knew based on a lifetime of symptoms), most beans, pineapple, beef only once a week, and avocado (I might die without these!)
And it is really hard. Especially because it's easy to make whatever-free versions of most comfort food. Gluten-free, dairy-free pasta salad: Check! Cookie dough: Check! So by itself it's not addressing my problems. This is going to be a long, emotionally painful process. If I figure anything out, ill let you know.
If anyone has any good advice, or great books or websites, please share.